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Baka_Tsu
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Name: Laura
Birthday: 3/3/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: Uhhh, music, anime, music, music, messing around and being crazy, I dunno. Mostly linger to anime, really. Even though buying it can be such a waaaste of money sometimes. WHY CAN'T IT BE CHEAPER!! *twitch*
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
1/6/2004
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| .... revelations.
Why am I so gullible?
Why am I so ugly?
Why don't I strive to change what I truly need to change?
Because I'm fucking weak.
I
am easily the weakest person I know. I don't strive to try to look
better, I don't try to reach out to the people who deserve it, I don't
even try to better myself as a person lately.
I truly am fucking scum. All I deserve are ugly words, ugly meanings, ugly revelations.
You
know what's sad? Everyone says it gets easier down this damn road of
life. But, why am I always hitting a fork? Why can't I fucking CHANGE
ALREADY.
I fucking hate myself. You know what, don't even bother commenting on this piece of shit blog.
I don't deserve the sympathy of anyone. | | |
| Recently, I'm once again in the position of being judged by many people
at my current school due to my personal choices and goals. Is it so
wrong that I don't enjoy the indulgence that alcohol can bring to many
in this country? Is it so wrong that a peaceful evening to me is
cherished by staying at home watching a movie and feeling relaxed
instead of diving into a night club, breathing the fumes of cigarretes
and booze?
What exactly drives the human being to dwell and
choose something that can clearly kill you, and why do the ones that do
not indulge in these choices get the glares and the criticism?
I
get so scared and upset watching dear friedns of mine linger on these
choices and hide them from me. DO I offend them when I say I rather get
a coke instead of a shot of vodka? Did I offend whenever I would get
invited to a party and instead of smoking and drinking and dancing like
the rest of the crowd, I found it perfectly pleasant to simply observe
them in their get-together?
It just seems so tiring. To drink
something that will only bring nausea and headaches in the morning. To
smoke and feel your chest ease and weeze when you barely have the
running capabilities that you had when you didnt. To dive into a crowd
of people who seem to do nothing but mimic eachother day by day, night
by night, simply because of their fears of dissaproval and rejection.
Last
week, one of the mentors of my field asked me a rather interesting set
of questions that actually made me analyze myself as a person a little
further than I already had.
"Laura, how old are you?"
"Me? I'm 20 years old."
"Its
interesting to see that, amongst all the kids who go to this school,
you are one of my youngest students, and seem to be closest to my age
mentally."
At first, I honestly just looked at her, wondering
whether to smile and say a simple and plastic 'thank you', but I guess
my better side wouldn't let me be so fake towards someone I honestly
admire.
I told her what I know about myself the best. That I'm
too focused an individual to blend in with others. Especially in
bullshit like drinking and smoking and partying. No thanks. I have
better things to cherish my time for.
I think the only think
that bothers me is how I'm viewed at times. Granted, my personal
appearance is not as strong and as attractive as many out there who
were gifted with it, I honestly believe I'm a unique person. There's
only a small amount of people who truly understand why I choose not to
do certain things, and respect them. However, I have to admit, that
most of my friends back home and here simply SAY they understand why I
choose not to do things, and agree with me here and there, and the
second I turn around, they dive in the mechanical american ritual of
partying and drinking.
*sigh* I guess I just hate being lied
to. I honestly believe a lie can hurt me more than being honest with me
and simply telling me they don't agree with me. As repetitive and
reassuringly plastic as this sounds, I'm not going to get pissed, or
get upset, if you tell me the truth and state your honest thoughts. I
would respect you more as a person simply because you were honest to
me.
But I guess honesty is dead in this country and where I'm
from. Being lied to and lying for the sake of not hurting someone seems
to be easier.
I dunno, as a friend, I think honesty is the
string that pulls us together. Without it, friendships fade and wash
away. Ive lost friends. I've moved on without those friends. I just
wish to keep the ones I have and try not to get upset about being
judged due to certain choices that I want out of my life. | | |
| Sometimes, a person can sit for hours just staring at nothing, contemplating on what truly matters in this world. Having a few blinks here and there, thinking thinking and THINKING about what this small world we call home can grant us.
I know I want a lot out of my short life. I want so much, I'm easily overwhelmed by the very thought of it. I want real friends to count on. Friends I can call and talk to about pure air, and still feel like I'm not wasting my breath at the same time. I want those small groups of friends that can go out anywhere and be simply happy that we're all together in the same place, no matter where, no matter what the weather be. I want someone I can smile with when we get stuck in the rain.
So much that I want... and yet, there's a lot I let go too. Back home, I had friends. I don't dare to say I grew up not having someone to talk to, because that's a damn lie. The friends from back on that island... they were so good to me. I had a handful that looked up to me and that I looked up to as well. Back in high school, when our worries were nothing but another leaf falling off the tree.. It just seemed so easy. Everything seems easy when life isn't kicking you in the face.
I miss the 9th grade the most, I think. The times we'd go to the beach to just chill, the times we'd all stay out till 2am for the sake of just being with each other.... I got in trouble so many times because of that. But I smile about it now because it was worth it. It was worth going over to John's at 5pm with Max to go to the beach and keep digging that god damn hole we worked on for nearly a week. As stupid as it was... it felt right. The times we all went crazy, had sand fights, water fights...
And then, the endless nights we'd all run around the neighborhood to play hide and seek. Every kid knows this feeling. The feeling of having a huge range to hide, and the fear of being caught too soon... of not wanting to be too far from the tree you have to touch to be safe, but wanting to find a good place to hide all together.
Then, they graduated. They went on with their lives, and me and a few others stayed behind. But we held on. We met new friends, new people to smile with. And man.... was it great.
The benches at the school we all choose to say we hated.... but look back and truly miss... those benches during lunch and snack were the greatest times for us. The trades of fun, of conversations we'd squeeze into 35 minutes were great. And then, the after school plans.
I never got invited to many of them, and sure, it got to me a lot, but its okay. I've learned to say that it's okay not to be there sometimes. Many times, bad things would happen, that you rather not witness... painful things that friends do to one another just to prove you're better than others. That you're worth more than others. Some believe it... some choose not to bother with it.
Heartbreaks, tears, betrayal... all small problems that can seem like the end of a lifetime for a person only at the age of 16. And all because.... we have never experienced it. I dunno, to me, nothing hurts more than the first time anything bad happens to you. Back then, when I had my heart shattered right in front of me, I felt like I shouldn't bother with anything anymore. And of course, you have the 10+ people telling you that you'll get over it, and you find yourself counting the days till you can truly forget it and move on... you find yourself questioning more than anything why this happens to you. What exactly did you do to deserve it. But the truth is, it's just a hardship.
And then, they graduate once again. They leave you alone, believing that nothing can be the same this time. And its true. It never is.
The first ending is always happy to me. The second... its just empty. They left to pursue their lives, and we stayed behind. Except this time, that handful didn't exist. It was just me.
But I moved on, as usual. I met new friends again, met new people to hold on to.
And then, I found myself to be the one graduating. I left people behind, and THEY moved on.
I thought I moved on to a point, but I found myself missing them, missing the ways we all spoke to each other, the honesty that existed on that table.
It took me two years to be able to look back on this, as I am right now, and contemplate all this. I'm 20 now, a mere year away from being 21 and I feel like I've lost them. I feel like a part of me is losing so much, like its being ripped apart from me. The one friend I love with all my heart has her own friends. I don't know why I worry so much about it, because I know she's there. But at the same time, its growing apart, and that gap isn't coming from my side.
Truth is, I miss it all. I miss the past. I love where I am right now, and I love what I'm doing, but it's becoming so hard for me to look back and shrug now. I look back and I cry.
I cry because I miss you all so fucking much.
They know who they are. They know they are the friends I could definitely turn to whenever I needed and vise versa. I want all of you to know I am RIGHT here. and I am in need of you all.
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| I sure love good for nothing asshole throwing retarded comments at me. And to believe this bullshit has to happen while playing a game. Come on. -_- | | |
| iPods!??!!? in MY xanga!??! | | |
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